Process, Promise, Peace

These are days that weary the soul. Voices of dissension drown out the positive. Getting through one day at a time is often a depressive fog. The future is dim. When it erupts once again into riotous protesting, war, political wrangling, one faction that will only concede it should get its way, attention must be paid. Lord, oh Lord, what must be done, how can this be addressed, who are we supposed to be in this chaos, and above all, where are you to be found?

Remember, conflict is not a stranger to our world. There’s always been this push and pull, tug of war, my-way-or-the-highway attitude that aims to win, triumph, defeat the other side. Read your history: Roman conquests, the Crusades, Civil War, World War I, II, and following. Don’t forget the interpersonal tensions in most dynamics. The fear and anxiety we feel now has been part of the human struggle since forever began. Take heart at least in knowing that Jesus saw it and lived in it.

Yet, Jesus never mapped out plans to be the victor by squashing whoever didn’t buy into his plan. Rather, he was the advocate for honest listening, consideration of what the other side may need to be recognized as an equal.

A Not So Novel Approach

Listen, he says. “If your brother sins against you,…” (Hold on now. Sin is a loaded theological term.)  At the least, it means someone has done something bad, right? Broken a law or not followed a rule? Maybe. But in its broadest connotation, legalism is almost minor. Something has brought about a division, a rift or estrangement in the relationship between persons, groups, peoples. Not to exclude the more obvious hurts, abuse, and harm, it can also be the small things, the microaggressions that needle and stick the person. Sometimes unintended, they are often spoken out of an ignorance of another’s experience and culture. Yet the impact, especially over time, affects as much as a long slice or deep stab in the flesh. The hurt it brings, the separation it causes, is what God sees as sin and needs to be addressed.

Yeah? How?

“…go privately and point out the fault.” Now this takes a good dose of courage coupled with an understanding of assertiveness. Heavy chastisement will only widen the separation. Passively allowing for excuses minimizes what has happened. Operative is a grace that exercises the basis of good communication. “When you (describe the behavior), I feel (name the emotion: anger, fear, confused, insulted, etc.) because (show its impact: disrespected, unloved, used, etc.) The practice allows each person, each side to understand the conflict and what needs to be resolved. The other person is not disparaged, but rather is informed as each side feels heard. It allows each to have sensitivity in the issue and to express how to be better in the relationship. It’s listening based in love of neighbor, a core element in also loving God.

Don’t Give Up After the First Try

While this simple method effectively helps smooth out relationship problems more often than not, it’d be foolhardy to say it works all the time. Sometimes, the person who has harmed another has issues of insecurity and the need for control. The prospect of changed behavior is not welcomed, for it could very well entail relinquishing old patterns of thinking and prejudice. The response is one of denial: “I did no such thing” or “You should not feel that way” or “What makes you think you can tell me what to do?” or even “I’m not like that at all!” What then, dear Jesus?

“But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses.” The offended person needs courage here not to let the hurt be swept under the carpet. Yet, the witnesses must be trusted not to give verification as to what has happened, but rather that it has been addressed. To do otherwise would be triangulation indicating an inherent weakness in the process. But in the forthright expression of the harm and its impact, now openly expressed, the offender and the offended have another opportunity to enter into an exchange of listening and reflecting understanding of the other.

For the love of God, if only it was this easy. Maybe it would be if this is how conflicts were handled, if children saw this modeled in families and were taught to use this in negotiating their needs, if workplaces were brave enough to utilize this honestly and fairly, if churches employed more Christ-like attitudes and less parking lot gossip, if partisan groups truly wanted to serve the people. But we know what happens.

Final Option

As a last resort, Jesus says, “If that person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church.” Don’t consider this as some kind of religious tribunal. Rather, at its core is an assembly who seek peace and unity in the community. Interventions of this sort practice guidelines to which both sides agree with the intent that whatever change results desires to improve a difficult situation for all who are involved.

Why persons refuse to listen or participate in the process is, well, too bad. Listening ultimately allows the chance to express the other side of the story. But refusal to enter into the listening process is a dysfunctional dynamic that impedes resolution. And that is a real shame, for it can lead to the possibility of seeming exclusion, seen as one on the outside, “pagan” in being unwilling to live in a community of relationships that are healthy, whole, and know that conflicts can be healed.

As Heaven Sees It

Something else sits in this: Jesus notes, “I tell you this: Whatever you prohibit on earth is prohibited in heaven, and whatever you allow on earth is allowed in heaven.” Huh? So we get to decide what goes? Not quite. The key here is “whatever.” Handle the inevitable conflicts and disagreements of human relationships with a grace that affirms and honors the other, allow love for neighbor to truly be the operative process, give space for all to listen and understand, and that place in which you find God in the now and the eternal will be realized.

But that which separates and dominates persons who must share this created world together allowing division and conflict to rule the world, those who disallow a peaceful resolution by refusals to participate without preconceptions of what should be, those who grab at power rather than give up the right to be right will only impede the possibility of reconciliation that God can bring for individuals and peoples who desire peace on earth as was promised by no less than angels.

Key to any part of the peacemaking process is a preparedness to let God do what God will do, a willingness to work with God’s purposes for justice. To allow the counsel of Christ to draw persons of differing backgrounds and perspectives into a blessed unity is world changing. Any other strategy usually is self-destructive, and reconciliation looks pretty futile.

Jesus seals it with a promise. He doesn’t leave us to decide how to get things done. Yes, honest dialogue and refusing to stay quiet about behaviors that hurt are needed. Being a supportive presence with those who need voice is vital to the effort. Yet, he doesn’t just drop it in our laps and leave. He stays and is the glue and power that bonds us together.

“I also tell you this: If two of you agree down here on earth concerning anything you ask,

 my Father in heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together

because they are mine, I am there among them.”

Matthew 18:15-20

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